No Other.

June 1996.

They say the more we preach on something, the more we are tested and i guess its really true. Back then, I was among the leaders, promoting Islamic values and practices among the school members and one thing that were truly understood among us, that we need to avoid unjustifiable relationship with the opposite gender. Its prohibited, unlawful, unacceptable and many more red flags to mention. I championed the efforts to discourage the act, but yes, i myself was tested.

I guess unintentionally I started to fancy her beauty. Beautiful personality and charisma. Lovely, courteous and modest. Casual attires yet comply the Islamic teaching. Like a precious treasure so well kept. Having her presence in the classroom, club activities, and many more spaces that we can share, i myself didn’t even know why she became so distinctive and different as compared to the others. That differences that made her look so special in my eyes. In short, i fell in love with her and i knew that i wanted to plan my future with her, as my wife and it all blossomed that moment when she accepted my confession.

Time flew. Even though everything i had was wonderful, deep inside i fought a fierce battle with my own self. My own sense and this endless dilemma eventually brought me to a conclusion that I had been doing wrong. I knew that i have never touched her outside, but the sense of guilt haunted me for touching her heart inside and i felt blessed at the end of it, when she told me that she experienced the same thing. So we took the honorable choice, which was to let each other go. To put the trust on Him, The Most Merciful and to believe that it was the best for us both.

July 1996.

“I have every confidence in you.” She said.

“What do you mean?’’ i asked without looking into her eyes.

“I trust you. You will never break the promise right?"

"You will wait for me, because i will wait for you, till the moment when we unite with a blessed marriage", she answered.

"I promise to work hard for both of us"

"To stay strong, and to hold on, to wait for you even if it takes forever"

"But one thing that i want you to know, everything is written by the Lord, and let us pray the best for both of us"

"We plan and He plans, but He is the best planner"

"Work for the best, and prepare for the worst insya Allah", i answered

Febuary 2009

I walked my road of life since then, and true enough, time really heals. Feelings for her became more pure, and my intention became clearer. Many years passed, and we really became strangers in our own space. Still waiting every second, but never knowing what happens to each other. Still holding the promise we made, yet never too sure what the future lies for us. All i know, i will hold on, prepare myself for that day to come, and never stop praying.

I remember one quote i read, 'the only permanent thing in life is change'. It was really insignificant to me until the moment i knew that she has changed and it frightened me, after living with hopes for so long just to know that it will be broken at the end. I barely recognize her. She was not the one i knew, the one i hoped for, the one I’ve been waiting for. All the dreams of planning our future together suddenly fade with the dusk.

"I have always wanted to marry you, to repay the time that we lost back then, but you have changed", my voice muffled.

"I’m still holding on to our promise, and i hope you still do."

"Please don’t leave me, i know I’ve changed, but do you want to blame me for all these?"

"I myself am upset with what happened, but i am just a mere human being"

"I battled, and I lost"

"I really need to get up but i need you"

"And i really need you to help me, guide me, to become a better me, even better from the girl you fell in love back then"

"Please give me that chance"

I really couldn’t say anything. Tongue became dry, lips sealed tight.

"I am sorry, i need time to answer you", i answered slowly. I walked away leaving her alone in uncertainty.

March 2009.

Weeks passed and i m still in confusion. Unsure if given a chance, how she will be, will she change back. Or should i forget about her and let her go, despite knowing that i still love her so deeply. How can i let go of something I’ve been holding on for nearly 15 years? I’ve been alone and lonely all these years, waiting for her, just to know that she’s not the one anymore.

"I'll brave the storm until you're with me

Cause the wind and rain can't change a love that's true

I'll be alone until you anchor and then I'll leave this lonely port with you

Till then I'm waiting in the port of lonely hearts…"

(Port of lonely hearts-Johnny Cash)

I kept putting the song on repeat. It’s so hurting to realize that the ship I’ve been waiting is really in such a wreck. Not sure on how it will sail our life till the end.

Then i really chose to let her go. i deserved someone better. Because i knew that i was better. At least that’s what i thought. One thing that seemed reasonable, 'you don’t always get what you really want'. And that time around i was sure that she was not the one for me. I literally left her, and decided to go away far to forget about everything that we’ve been through. So i said to myself.

"I am tired and I’ve had enough."

September 2018.

"Morning son, where’s your mother?"

"Ummi is still preparing the food", my son answered with excitement.

"Alright, tell Ummi I’m warming up the car, and we will leave when she’s ready okay"

"Ok abah!" he smiled and get into the house again.

We are returning to our hometown to visit my parents. My parents. Two souls who have always inspired me. Both who’ve always guided me when they see my life is going off track.

March 2009.

My father’s always say, "Life has so much to teach us, all you have to do is to learn". I learned a lot that day when my parents knew what happened to me. That day, they called me home.

"Son, we missed you, can you come home?"

"I’m sorry dad, i m not in the mood right now", I answered

"We’ve been cheering for you since you’re a baby, so why don’t you come back so that we can talk", my dad answered with a loving tone

"Alright dad, I’ll be there. Insya Allah"

On that day,

"Son, life is a long road. And most of the time, you will reach a junction"

"To decide which road to take, you need to ask for direction so that you will not lost"

"One who does istikharah never upset and one who does musyawarah never regret"

"Same goes to what you are facing right now son. Have you done your istikharah and musyawarah?"

"Err, a little i guess" i answered.

"People change son, I really believe in that"

"Because we saw you yourself changing"

"Sometimes to the better, and sometimes to the worst"

"But one thing that always we hold on to, we love you as a son, as a muslim. The son who will carry Islam on your back and put it back on top"

"So we guide you, advice you, and best of all, we always pray to Allah to soften your heart and to make you better and better"

"The same goes to you, you need to accept the fact that we are human, and we have our ups and our downs."

"The only expectation that you can have is, for you and her to improve"

"You will not be good now, but the readiness to change is in fact the basis of all"

"And she said to you that she wants to change"

"Help her, guide her, advise her, and pray for her"

"And always put your trust in Allah"

"Never forget to istikharah and musyawarah",

September 2018.

Suddenly that flashback goes way, when someone opens the door.

"Dear, what are you thinking?” that lovely lady asked with a soft voice.

"Err, nothing dear, spaced out, thinking about what happened to us in the past", I answered with a smile.

"My dear husband, thanks for coming back for me…."

The End.

Hijrah not because we are seeking the love of a man. Hijrah because we are seeking the love of Allah and He will give you the good man to help you to love Him.

P/S: I've found a reason for me. To change who I used to be. A reason to start over new. And the reason is YOU. O, Allah, No others but YOU.

Wassalamualaikum w.b.t.